Funnies/Ask Amy

Three is Definitely a Crowd

Dear Amy: I’ve been in lockdown with my mostly awesome boyfriend since forever, just like everyone else. It’s mostly been okay; I can’t complain when so many others suffer. Like everyone, we’ve been bored and looking for new things to do. At some point in early lockdown, we began to fantasize about having a three-way after the pandemic lifted. It was fun to think about something in the abstract, fun to have anything to daydream about and maybe even look forward to.

Well, now that it seems likely the lockdown will lift soon, he’s talking about the three-way again—a lot. I kind of thought it was just a fun fantasy but he wants to start making plans. I’m starting to feel uncomfortable, but I don’t want to disappoint him. I’m feeling guilty that maybe I was inadvertently leading him on but it all just seemed so far off and unreal. Now it seems like it might be about to get very real. What do I do?
– No Way for Three-Way

Dear No Way: “Leading him on” is a term of oppression and will be abolished along with terms like “tease,” “playing hard to get,” etc. I am uncertain of your gender, but it doesn’t matter— these alarming assumptions are not just outdated, they are dangerous language that jeopardizes the understanding of consent.

You could say you wanted a threesome right up until the person showed up and you would still have every right to say, “Actually, no, I don’t want to.” These are your rights and there is no room for negotiation on how you get there. If your partner doesn’t get that, then he isn’t taking care of you.

Saying “no” when it comes to the bedroom should never illicit guilt. Be open and honest about your feelings. There is lots of inclusive, positive porn out there you could bring into the bedroom without bringing an actual other person. Fantasy is your friend, pressure to do something you don’t want to is not.

If First You Give, Maybe You’ll Receive

Dear Amy: Before the pandemic, I had a job I loved and thought I was on the right career path. I was sadly laid off and have now been questioning what I want to do for work. Any advice for navigating this uncertainty?
– Laid Law

Dear Laid Law: A wise person once told me, “it seems that one doesn’t choose a vocation but that the vocation chooses you.” How about looking to your greatest wish and starting there?

If it is financially viable for you, I have heard from friends who have been in a similar situation that a coach can really help chum the murky waters and guide you closer to your needs and desires for a fulfilling job life. One thing that can work when you are in a funk is volunteering for a place that needs help, such as refugee centres, homeless shelters, food banks, etc. Maybe by giving back you will be led to what you want given to you. Good luck!

Do or Do Not. There is No Try

Dear Amy: During the pandemic, I got back into visual art. I have a lot of ideas I want to try, but I keep holding myself back for fear of failure or not living up to the final product I have in mind. How do I overcome this hesitation?
– Art Start Stuck

Dear Stuck: When Kevin Drew of Broken Social Scene went to speak to the kids at our high school alma mater, the Etobicoke School of the Arts in Toronto, he brought out a chalkboard and wrote “FEAR” in the middle of it.

He went on to talk about how the one thing that would get in the way of your art is fear. The thing you will consistently battle will be fear. He then went on to say the only way to get over fear is to just do it. You just do it!

Go read things written by your favourite artists and be inspired by their fears and doubts. When I was really stuck in fear, I read Song by Song by Burt Bacharach, and I gained insight into how he just goes in and does it every day, and hopes he doesn’t suck. It really helped! May the art be with you.

If You Rock It, They Will Come

Dear Amy: I want to make music. My band has been locked down and listless and we want to come out of COVID super-charged and kick-start our careers. One problem: we have no idea how to do it. Is there a fast track? Any “sure things” we can do to get going and make up for lost time? Should we be doing virtual gigs? Online festivals?
– Rock Locked

Dear Rock Locked: No fast track, not even for Britney Spears! Whoever you see on the cover of NEXT this month (way to go, Crown Lands!) has likely been working their butts off for a long, long time to get there. Experiment and brainstorm with your band about how you want the world to see you. Make visuals, make art, and share it how you can. Write the songs and they will come.

Amy Millan is a Canadian indie rock singer and guitarist. She records and performs with Stars and Broken Social Scene and has a successful solo career.

Have a question for Amy? askamy@nextmag.ca