Funnies/Ask Amy

Genes Before Jeans Premature Convo?

Dear Amy: I matched with a nice-looking guy on a dating app. Before I could even say hi, he told me his great-grandmother had the same last name as me, so we might be related. What should I say?
– DNA-sayer

Dear DNA-sayer: He knows the maiden name of his great-grandmother? I don’t think any man I have ever met knows this. The surnames of women have historically been erased, their names being absorbed by the man she has married, the lineage of the woman almost always disappearing. The fact he even cares about her name shows his love of ancestry and history, no matter the gender. Pretty great launching point if you ask me! Maybe he is a true romantic and wonders, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet”. Literal Romeo.

But always know, if you feel weird or worried in any way, you can always wink at “Mr. Nice-looking Guy” in the reflection of your phone – and swipe to the left.

COVID Creeping Causing Roomie Drift

Dear Amy: My roommate isn’t taking COVID as seriously as me, and I’m worried we might both get sick. How do I ask her to stop seeing her friends without making my living situation uncomfortable?
– COVID Creeped

Dear Creeped: This year has proven that people are exactly who they are. I’m not certain bringing it up with your roommate would alter her behaviour. She lives in the place she believes she deserves to live.

Telling her you are incredibly scared is the only kryptonite. Truth is funny that way. Uncomfortable conversations always work better when you come at them with truth and empathy. Throwing blame and shame only inflames. Everyone comes out burned.

You are scared. She isn’t. But the mutual respect of a space should never be held in contempt.

I would issue a warning but, after laying bare your concerns, she may conceal her laissez faire attitude to protect your feelings. But than in fact putting you more at risk because you aren’t in control and your “bubble” has doubled without your knowledge.

Is she doing this because she is “evil”? Not at all. Some people are just much less afraid during this time then others. Your roommate might be duplicitous just to make you less anxious!

Start with sharing your true deep fear of getting sick. Our honesty and vulnerability are what will help us relate to one another and get us through this unbelievably challenging time.

Settled Siblings Leaves Oldest on the Outs

Dear Amy: I’m the oldest of three, and both of my younger siblings have partners and kids, while I’m still single. How do I deal with feeling like I’m always behind schedule?
– Solitaire Sibling

Dear Solitaire: The whole narrative that there is something wrong with being single, or that married life is somehow a happier, more fulfilling one than that of a single person, is completely inaccurate. It seems to be dripping with the traditional intimations of the patriarchy and capitalism – you aren’t happy or good enough.

Every life that is lived is one filled with challenges and rewards. Numerous studies show the happiest people in the world are single, childless – child-free? –women over 40. There is a rich life to be lived without the conventional trappings of marriage and kids. So, comparison is always a dangerous game and don’t let any member of your family make you feel you need to be anywhere different than where you are now. Don’t let your own mind-brain do it to you either!

Long Distance Lust or Loss?

Dear Amy: How do you feel when your partner has to leave you for some time because of work or studying? What are some coping mechanisms for couples that have to spend some time apart?
– Uncoupled Couple

Dear Uncoupled: Long distance love can light the heart on fire or burn a relationship down. One thing that can make it worse is too much phone time! Giving each other space to actually miss each other can be magical. If you are FaceTiming each other nine times a day, it can ironically make for a feeling of increased distance. Quality calls.

Trust is massive so that means sometimes, if the person can’t get to the phone or isn’t in the mood to Facetime, it doesn’t mean anything more than they are tired and you need to trust that. I had a tour manager who sent his wife postcards from every town. It was an extremely romantic way to show her he was thinking of her throughout the tour. Snail mail with its tactile messages still holds more weight then any midnight sext.

Hound Lover Dogged by Doubt

Dear Amy: I am a manager at a doggy daycare. Recently I had my first truly bad client interaction. I felt like I handled the whole situation professionally, calmly, and with empathy, even as he was insulting me and threatening my reputation.

But today he left us a really bad review that included several flat-out lies.

I don’t want to care. How do I get myself to worry less about things I can’t control?
– Caring Clampdown

Dear Clampdown: This is a loaded question with many parts to pin! I’ll start with the heart of it. Part of the new world is having your name be open to review by every human who exists thanks to the internet. I know so many incredibly hard-working people in the restaurant industry whose ratings have been blindsided by a self-important, ungracious, insolent blockhead.

Take comfort in knowing that people who read reviews know these people exist. What might make you feel better in terms of taking control of the discourse is this, I’ve noticed when places of service get a bad review, they leave a mannered reply to the person acknowledging their concerns but also setting the record straight. They usually end with some retort to the effect of, “again please reach out to us anytime to clarify any of these concerns.”

As for your last ask, a problem is, a boxer in the back of your head or an open file on a computer, whether small or gargantuan, quiet or loud, will spin until addressed or closed. Meditation teaches us that we can’t force our thoughts out. We need to acknowledge them, let them hover and then hopefully, with breath, have them move on.

Leave the barking behind.

Amy Millan is a Canadian indie rock singer and guitarist. She records and performs with Stars and Broken Social Scene and has a successful solo career.

Have a question for Amy? askamy@nextmag.ca