Arts & Culture

Love Hurts
Where: In theatres
What: Movie, 83 mins.
When: Fri., Feb. 7
Genre: Drama
Rating: NN (out of 5)
Why you should watch: Only Goonies mega-fans wanting to see grown-up Ke Huy Quan need watch this mess

OCTOBER IS INFAMOUSLY known as Turkey Dump Month for relationships, and January/February is Turkey Dump Month for movies where Hollywood dumps poultry-infused clunker films. Despite a cast featuring two Oscar winners, chaotic, wannabee, rom-com/action pic Love Hurts is definitely a turkey.

Ke Huy Quan, former child star who picked up a recent Oscar for a somewhat similar schlump-becomes-hero role in Everything Everywhere All at Once, plays Marvin Gable, a mob hitman turned realtor who is, of course, reluctantly dragged back into a world of mayhem by former girlfriend, Rose Carlisle (admirably played by West Side Story Oscar winner Ariana DeBose, tasked with a hopeless script).

And it’s all a mess of confused or conflicting goals, random details and a meandering, messy narrative. Quan is too skilled at playing the passionless, everyman with absolutely no chemistry or charisma. When various hitmen force the realtor to flash some martial arts moves, it just seems like a weird, blood-spattered interlude before he drifts back into being nebbish — the action just an aberration not a flashback in form.

And when Rose drops into the story, there is so little chemistry between the two leads that she appears more likely to be his sister than an ex-lover whom he hopes to re-woo. Love Hurts is a total non-starter as a rom-com, despite the film’s desperate efforts to create a Valentine’s Day connection with red hearts and pointless hints at romance.

As for the “com” part of the rom-com equation, Love Hurts is a laugh-free exercise with a few mild chuckles the only respite from the dreary storytelling.

As an action flick, it’s just erratic with the violence an almost sadistic, occasional interruption to the clumsy storytelling. The story, such as it is, sees Gable’s mob brother, “Knuckles” Gable (Daniel Wu), sending a variety of inept thugs to punish his bro for a botched killing with rejoining the mob the only possible salvation. Rose seems to want Gable to re-find his hitman “spirit” because it made him hotter — or something. Great action and solid comedy can make a tired premise like this work, but Love Hurts has neither; it’s just a pointless placeholder until something better comes along.