Funnies

To WAP or Not to WAP, is Not the Question

Dear Amy: I read other women complaining that some women “dress like strippers” to sell their music whether twerking, wearing thongs and dancing in decidedly impractical footwear. Others say looking like a sex worker is all part of a female artist taking control of her sexuality. What are your thoughts? Female empowerment or contorting oneself to a straight man’s fantasy? — To WAP or not to WAP

Dear WAP: Women (or anyone — any person, any human) can do and wear and be whatever they want. FULL STOP.

Fast and Furious Also Hilarious

Dear Amy: High school sucked; university is coming; will it be any better? Hint — please say yes. But if yes, why? — Hopelessly Hoping for Hope

Dear Hoper: Nothing is easy. Transition is exhilarating yet SO challenging. If you had a terrible time in high school, maybe the next school moment will be lighter and will lean easier to you in university. But it’s not promised. Be kind to yourself. Be curious about others — LIKELY ALL SCARED NEW PEOPLE! Watch your drinks. Find the helpers and know that every part of life hurls fast and furious and hilarious and with challenges that now are yours. You are launched. Help others. You rule.

Remember — Summer is a Fickle Lover

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I were a happening couple at our high school, almost a cliché — he even played on the football team. And he’s a grade ahead, which was cool. But now that year ahead means he’s going to university in another town and I’m heading back to high school. We said all the right things this summer, but how can I not assume he’ll move on to a mature college girl when given the chance? Should I just start looking for a replacement and accept that I will be the next victim of the Turkey Dump? Or am I just assuming the worst and kind of making it happen? — Talking Turkey

Dear Turkey Talk, Ride your bike, take to the park, look at the sky. Summer is a fickle lover. You are Saturn’s rings. Don’t even worry about him

No One Knows What They Are Doing

Dear Amy: Great singer or great player: can I really be both? I want to be the best — one of the best anyway — and I know that means I have to work hard and practice like crazy. So, should I pick? Can I be a great instrumentalist and a great singer. or should I pick one and really work it to be the best? If I don’t pick, would I just be fated to be good at two things but great at neither? — Mediocrity Muser

Dear Muser: If you think you’re mediocre, that’s the first problem. You are a star. Fall into yourself and love what you do. Know that no one knows what the fuck they are doing. So, go be terrible, perfect and beautiful.

Passing the Smell Test

Dear Amy: Did/do you have dealbreakers when dating? I’m lucky enough to be single and able to get a date. There are two women I am feeling great energy from, but one smokes cigarettes and the other eats meat. I am a nonsmoking, vegan dude who seeks to be open-minded and to live and let live. But it’s not just that I hate the smell of smoking — it’s like kissing an ashtray — but I hate the self-destructive tendencies it represents. She is vegan at least. The other “date” eats meat, and when she sweats, I swear I smell it. Gross. But also, what kind of person is okay with killing animals? Both are great women, but are these issues dealbreakers or am I being too particular and possibly staring the girl of my dreams right in the face? — Picky Picky

Dear Picky, The thing about romance is if there are things during the honeymoon period that drive you bonkers, it will just get worse when the roads get rough. You should find alignment and not settle into a life that doesn’t suit you. Life is long and there are lots of hearts. Go find the one that smells right.

Songwriting Alone Together

Dear Amy: I want to try co-writing songs, but I don’t want to be stuck in a room all day with someone who is basically an acquaintance. Is it possible to write remotely, or do you have to be in the same place to get the right mood and connection? — Co-Writing Wrongs?

Dear Co-writing: Over-wire jams can be the best! You can start with music and send to someone who could start the lyrics or vice versa. I’m with you: I don’t really love writing in the presence of others, more because I’m a bit shy. Stars sends me music and I spend hours alone with it, shaping the song. It’s never been easier since we all got used to virtual life during the past difficult bubble of the pandemic. Song-bird wires, fly!

Amy Millan is a Canadian indie rock singer and guitarist. She records and performs with Stars and Broken Social Scene and has a successful solo career. Have a question for Amy? askamy@nextmag.ca