Music/Features

Adele is dropping 30 on Friday. Have you got your shit in check? We’re talking emotional baggage here.

If 25 and 21 taught us anything, it’s that listening to an Adele record is no joke. It’s full-blown open-heart surgery. There’s some mystical quality to her voice that finds the cracks in your emotional veneer, seeps in and pries them right open — like a sinkhole in a disaster movie. That ex you thought you were over? Ha! Turns out you’re not! Your first crush? You might still care about them too!

Between her gilded vocals and deep-cut lyrics, Adele is so talented it’s almost cruel. What’s more, she’s releasing this album right after the clocks ticked back and invited darkness to arrive in the middle of the afternoon. We’re already primed with the onset of Seasonal Affect Disorder. Read: SAD. Dare I say the timing of this album was purposeful? It’s almost like she’s trying to devastate us.

Prepare yourself

If you don’t properly prepare yourself, Adele’s newest music could very well send you into cardiac arrest, at worst, or a drunken oversharing spiral, at best. Let’s try to avoid this, shall we?

Here, I provide some tips to emotionally 30-proof yourself in the lead-up to your listening experience. No, this isn’t the least bit dramatic.

1. If you still have vacation days, use them. Do you really want to type “I hope this email finds you well” and “Nice to e-meet you!” for the millionth time while neck deep in your feelings?!
2. Craft an out-of-office reply that goes something like this: “Unavailable for 72 hours. In case of urgent matters — just don’t. Go easy on me.”
3. Do some soul-searching in the days leading up. Ask yourself: which of my wounds haven’t healed? If you don’t do it … Adele will do it for you. And it won’t be pretty. Don’t risk a surprise attack.
4. Prepare rations. Snacks, wine, weed … whatever you need. Do this ahead of time; there’s little to no chance you’ll be braving a venture into public on Friday.
5. Advise your loved ones that you will be braving a 30 listen. They will need to be on standby to take your call when you have an emotional breakthrough and need to talk at winding length about it. Kindly text them in advance so they have ample time to prepare for the incoming hurricane.

Now that your safety plan is in check, let’s shelf the histrionics for a moment.

This is the pop culture event of the season. Try looking at any news outlet or scrolling through social media without seeing some mention of the impending release of 30, or a clip of that guy who blindsided his girlfriend with a surprise onstage proposal at the “One Night Only” concert hosted by Oprah. When she gets involved, you know it’s important.

Adele has a gift for making listeners feel her heartbreak and, in turn, their own. It’s the radical honesty and bravery in her music that shows us we’ve all got a few cracks in our veneer — but we’re not alone.

Happy listening to all, and to all a good cry!